May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it penis luge time yet?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
