My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
