I smell stomach acid.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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