who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
