dude i'm inner monologue high
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Are we still banned from the library?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
