So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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