I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
