then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
