How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
