i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
