If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
