I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
