Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
