Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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