Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
