it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
