Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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