He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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