i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
