WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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