Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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