i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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