Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
