I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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