I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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