i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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