where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
