Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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