Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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