you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
