You made me cry and you don't even care
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
