omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
