tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
