He had one of those small greek statue penises
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
