I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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