im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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