apparently the secret to your success is patron
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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