Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
