I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You need Xanax blowdarts
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
