Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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