In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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