And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
