Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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