Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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