in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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