I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
