I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Screwed.edu
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
