I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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