i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
