I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i've created a new STD.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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