Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
