Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
